Etiquette mavens are the first to point out that gifts should not be expected. Even so, there are plenty of situations where you'd better not show up without one.

Strictly speaking, kids' birthdays, showers and weddings are the only parties where presents are part of the etiquette-sensitive agenda. When it's not at events like 60th wedding anniversaries, housewarmings, and such - gifts are kind but unnecessary.

"Bringing presents to parties, unless they are children's birthday parties or bridal or baby showers, where opening them is part of the entertainment, is a terrible idea," Miss Manners (a.k.a. Judith Martin), writes in Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, (Atheneum, New York 1982). "Any other presents should be sent, so that the person who is trying to give a party or get married or whatever can have her hands free."

If guests arrive - present in hand - to a fete that's supposed to be gift-free, Miss Manners and other etiquette experts suggest quietly explaining that the host or hostess has to deal with party details. To keep from embarrassing other revelers who didn't show up with something, either open the gift inconspicuously or keep it for after and follow up with a thank you note.

Remember: "No presents" means just that. Don't embarrass other guests by popping up with bows and ribbons. If you're compelled to give, drop it off or send it well before the fiesta begins, advise Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan, authors of The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette (Doubleday, New York, 1995).

For your convenience, here's a thumbnail sketch of etiquette-wise gift opening by party type:

Kids' Parties
Do it early, planners say. Kids get pooped - and cranky - pretty quick. As energy wanes, so do attention spans and pint-sized manners. (Note: In particularly polite circles, the birthday kid opens after guests go home. This, according to one Manhattan society mom, prevents the child from making ungrateful gift-specific comments in front of friends and their parents.)

Bar/Bat Mitzvahs
Often money or bonds, these gifts are easily sent before and opened after.

Adult Birthdays
Free-spirited sorts start unraveling the minute the present hits their hands. More convivial friendly gatherings or family affairs often take a post-cake time-out to survey the pickin's. More discrete recipients let the suspense build by waiting until after guests.

Showers
Gifts are either the highlight - or the downfall - of showers. To make sure the wrap falls before guests get bored, set up a destruction line: A mom or bridesmaid to fetch gifts from the table, bride (with or without groom) to open and thank effusively, maid of honor to note gifts on the cards.

Weddings
Since the couple takes center stage, wrapped gifts are displayed on a table and opened after. Couples can opt to "show" gifts at a small open house or tea right after the wedding. Experts like Miss Manners suggest just using the gifts in their proper places, so that everybody who drops by will see how much they're loved.